I’m a slow runner unless I think I left my phone unlocked in the next room, in which case I’m Usain Bolt.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
You Might Also Like
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
What do we want?
A cure for short-term memory loss!
When do we want it?
When do we want what?
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.