[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE

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I’m a slow runner unless I think I left my phone unlocked in the next room, in which case I’m Usain Bolt.


What do we want?

A cure for short-term memory loss!

When do we want it?

When do we want what?


[spider party]

black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here


gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*


Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.


Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.


*Husband buys me flowers*

Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.

Him: But you keep buying the cat food.


When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.


Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.