@NewDadNotes

Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?

Trooper: State Police identify yourself

Me: Police identify yourself

Trooper: State Police

Me: Police

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@theriouthly

[post-apocalypse open mic]

Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??

Crowd: *rickets*

@MiddlingMs

Him: So tell me a little about yourself.

Me: But this was going so well…

@TheMichaelRock

[at interview]

Her: In three words or less, tell me why we should hire you.

Me: I’m good with numbers.

@davidkenny100

Me as the astronaut in that Martian movie:
“Day 1 I have enough food to last 459 days”
“Day 2 I now have enough food to last 170 days”

@gogglepossum

[2 monkeys in a bath]

Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!

Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in

@ohthatbadger

30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.

@PaperWash

I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.

So how many people have you murdered?

@gIitering

*gets left on read*

my brain:

Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

me: “it was fun while it lasted”