Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
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I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.