me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
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[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
Life is a suicide mission.
I am HOWLING at this
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.