ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
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some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”