You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
You Might Also Like
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again