Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
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When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
My life coach traded me.
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
Air pods looking like an angry frog
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?