Sometimes you just got to listen to your heart, and my heart is like “listen to your stomach”.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
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Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
I use my neighbor’s outdoor jacuzzi for bubble bath time with my cat. I’d invite him, but my cat’s funny about bathing with strangers.
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens