Me: Hello darkness, my old friend

Darkness: *rolls eyes*

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Sometimes you just got to listen to your heart, and my heart is like “listen to your stomach”.


Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers

Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??





My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises


Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.

And outside.


I use my neighbor’s outdoor jacuzzi for bubble bath time with my cat. I’d invite him, but my cat’s funny about bathing with strangers.


[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted


8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real


Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.

She’s really good at that.


WIFE: Where’s the dog?

*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*

ME: I let him outside.


God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens