I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
You Might Also Like
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
good let them take over I have had enough
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
Sunday
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like: