I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
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Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machine
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.