Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones

Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?

Me: no, the bones in my mouth

Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones

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Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”


When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.


[trampoline park]

me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*

Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit


CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.


If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.


When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits


Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.

Toothpaste: Hi


Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.


a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men