I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
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Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Say what you want about serial killers but you can’t argue with their work ethic.