@MNateShyamalan

Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones

Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?

Me: no, the bones in my mouth

Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones

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@DevilryFun

I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.

@andrewgutin

Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.

@Traceykemp8

If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend

@tealbluejay

I touch myself when I think of you.

It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.

@thatdutchperson

Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.

Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.

Me: Snow?

@subtweetopath

[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot

@Schmoodles

My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.

@drinksmcgee

Say what you want about serial killers but you can’t argue with their work ethic.