@MrSandeepP

Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?

Her: no

Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?

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@abgates7

Movie theater: Please silence your phones.

Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*

@hazelmotes1

Press Conference:

How do you respond to accusations that you over sexualize everything?

Me: *slowly takes entire microphone into mouth*

@jordan_stratton

Designer: How big should the gap between the carโ€™s front seat and center console be?

Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.

Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?

Boss: haha oh goodness no

@thepoetknight

*pays $20 for deluxe car wash*

*hits roughly 3,287,998 bugs during 2 mile drive home*

@ayisi_yaw

#punsr PREDOMINANT: how to describe a young lady. . . before she gets married

@LlamaInaTux

Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again

Me: [whispering] ??? ???????

@ieatanddrink

It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity

@online_shawn

Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan

@lemonmartinis

Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard

@jwoodham

Asking someone out is so unpredictable. You never know exactly how they’re going to say no.