Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
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How do you respond to accusations that you over sexualize everything?
Me: *slowly takes entire microphone into mouth*
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
*pays $20 for deluxe car wash*
*hits roughly 3,287,998 bugs during 2 mile drive home*
#punsr PREDOMINANT: how to describe a young lady. . . before she gets married
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ??? ???????
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
Asking someone out is so unpredictable. You never know exactly how they’re going to say no.