Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
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I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
[At a bank using a 4 color ball point pen]
*scrawls on napkin*
*Red* Put [click]
*Green* $$$ [click]
*Black* In [click]
*Blue* Bag [click]
Practiced my breakup on my cats last night and today they are gone.
If I were a cat I’d probably waste my first 8 lives and then be panicked throughout the 9th.