@canadian_makin

Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper

Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience

Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels

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@meganamram

I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”

@FatherWithTwins

*kids walking

Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!

Kids: Okay!

*continue walking at exactly the same pace

@blade_funner

[me giving a TED Talk]

*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*

@Darlainky

Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.

@TheHatStore

[first time golfing]

caddy: which club would you like sir

me: do you have turkey

@LoveNLunchmeat

If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?

@ShortSleeveSuit

[At a bank using a 4 color ball point pen]

*scrawls on napkin*

*Red* Put [click]
*Green* $$$ [click]
*Black* In [click]
*Blue* Bag [click]

@Jennarater

Practiced my breakup on my cats last night and today they are gone.

@LittleMissAngr1

If I were a cat I’d probably waste my first 8 lives and then be panicked throughout the 9th.