@fa_que2
You know the meeting has gone completely downhill when someone suggests sacrificing a chicken.
@vikkaroni
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
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@fa_que2
@Brampersandon_
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
@Hormonella
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
@mjkspeaks
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
@GoodSheWrites
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
@danadonly
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
@garbagecoven
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
@dumbbeezie
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
@AnkCoupleTO
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
@cowboyjeffkent
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever