Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
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Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool