Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
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*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
Not today. 😅
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.