@notfaizzy

Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.

Cat: *meow*

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@charrrllaa

Waitress: would you like another drink?

Me: Are you new?

@ibid78

We built this city on rock n roll. The streets have no names. The midnight train goes anywhere. Stairways climb to heaven. Tbh its a gd mess

@fatherofcomedy

A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution

@GrandadJFreeman

Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.

@Faungirl123

I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me

@amydillon

When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?

@Vodkantots

If a guy doesn’t return your texts for 4 months, it might be over.

It probably isn’t, but it might be.

@B0niferd

My swimsuit told me to go to the gym today but my sweatpants were like nah girl you’re good.