@YayForAnxiety

Me: “Hello? Yeah hi I’m calling about your commercial where the woman looks really happy cleaning the kitchen, what’s her number?”

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@Dawn_M_

Look what the cat dragged in!

*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*

@Diversion50

“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.

@MomOfTeen

“Feel the burn” yells my fitness instructor as I think that’s probably how Satan greets people in Hell.

@Bob_Janke

My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.

@tastefactory

“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon

@Thynebear

Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good

@ShortSleeveSuit

ME: *gets down on one knee*

HER: omg

ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome

@mistrustme1

I don’t have one junk drawer anymore. I’m 46, I have a junk life.