Me: “Hello? Yeah hi I’m calling about your commercial where the woman looks really happy cleaning the kitchen, what’s her number?”

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Look what the cat dragged in!

*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*


“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.


“Feel the burn” yells my fitness instructor as I think that’s probably how Satan greets people in Hell.


My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.


“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon


Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good


ME: *gets down on one knee*

HER: omg

ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome


I don’t have one junk drawer anymore. I’m 46, I have a junk life.