30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
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When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
Beware of the “party goblin”…
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
Not all heroes wear capes….
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
Sharon I have some bad news
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.