My new cat, John Cena, wants me to remind y’all to never let your kids name your pets.
Me: “Hello? Yeah hi I’m calling about your commercial where the woman looks really happy cleaning the kitchen, what’s her number?”
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Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
Cute girl in the office sees me do something with my left hand
Her: oh. You’re left-handed too
*I pretend to be left-handed for next 5 yrs
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.