Me: Hello, yes, I’d like one Big Mac please, no cyanide

McDonalds worker: cyanide?

Me: you know what fine

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BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting


Before you send that mass “Merry Christmas!” text don’t.


Ways Ryan Gosling and I are similar: 1. Up to date on our vaccinations 2. I dunno, that’s probably it and I’m not sure about that first one.


[first date]

HER: I really like a man who notices things.

ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.


According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.


Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.


Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.


I don’t mean to sound like a tough guy but I’ve been in New York City for almost two hours and I’ve only cried like 31 times…