You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
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Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
Hear me out: his and hers houses.