BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
Me: Hello, yes, I’d like one Big Mac please, no cyanide
McDonalds worker: cyanide?
Me: you know what fine
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Before you send that mass “Merry Christmas!” text don’t.
Ways Ryan Gosling and I are similar: 1. Up to date on our vaccinations 2. I dunno, that’s probably it and I’m not sure about that first one.
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
When the wrong number texts me
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
I don’t mean to sound like a tough guy but I’ve been in New York City for almost two hours and I’ve only cried like 31 times…