The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
You Might Also Like
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
I feel like Frosted Flakes gives kids an unreasonable expectation of how friendly tigers are when you try to feed them a bowl of cereal.
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
Apparently, “I just assumed” is a horrible answer when your wife asks you why you bought her the “heavy flow” tampons.