@SvnSxty

Me: Hello?

Satan: I’d like to make a return

Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL

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@badbanana

The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.

@Lisabug74

Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders

“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”

“Yes. Get out!”

@robfee

I feel like Frosted Flakes gives kids an unreasonable expectation of how friendly tigers are when you try to feed them a bowl of cereal.

@AmberTozer

If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this

@Brampersandon_

FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same

@hellohappy_time

Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]

Her: are you alright?

Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW

@silent_musings

Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”

@awescar

It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”

@UnFitz

*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*

@WeissBrandon

Apparently, “I just assumed” is a horrible answer when your wife asks you why you bought her the “heavy flow” tampons.