@Mr_Kapowski

Me: Hello
Teacher: Hello
M: How’s my kid doing in school?
T: How’s my kid doing in school?

I hate parrot teacher conferences

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@dumbbeezie

When someone tells you that you can’t do something, ignore them. That’s how people trick you into doing things

@smilely_gal

With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.

@patnspankme

I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.

@Sickayduh

“In my defense, Your Honor, I only made comments about her yoga pants cause harassment a lot to me”

“Bailiff, please hi-five the defendant”

@captainkalvis

[engagement party]
brother: show us the ring!

me: we dont have time to watch a classic horror movie Dave you dumb shit i’m gettin married

@claire_mudie

If by “flexible” you mean “can I get my foot behind my head?” then yes, I am.

If you mean “can I get my foot back down?” then no, I am not.

@aaronneedshelp

colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe

also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund

@Jeffwni

Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.

@matt___nelson

*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*