you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
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“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
buying dead houseplants to save time
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.