Me: Hello
Teacher: Hello
M: How’s my kid doing in school?
T: How’s my kid doing in school?

I hate parrot teacher conferences

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When someone tells you that you can’t do something, ignore them. That’s how people trick you into doing things


With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.


I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.


“In my defense, Your Honor, I only made comments about her yoga pants cause harassment a lot to me”

“Bailiff, please hi-five the defendant”


[engagement party]
brother: show us the ring!

me: we dont have time to watch a classic horror movie Dave you dumb shit i’m gettin married


If by “flexible” you mean “can I get my foot behind my head?” then yes, I am.

If you mean “can I get my foot back down?” then no, I am not.


colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe

also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund


Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.


*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*