me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
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I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.