me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
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*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
Clients after you give them your rates
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
*power walks to the refrigerator*
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.