I like horror movies because it’s the only place insanely hot people are treated poorly
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
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[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
That’s quite a headline
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son