@Birdhumms

Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell

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@taylortomlinson

I like horror movies because it’s the only place insanely hot people are treated poorly

@iliezabeth

[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*

@daemonic3

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘impossible’

“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”

*walks off stage*

@squirrel74wkgn

I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.

@stephenjmolloy

Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.

Me: But I have work tomorrow.

Brain: I don’t care-

*alarm goes off*

-okay you can sleep.

@robdelaney

I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”

@Pundamentalism

WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS

Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die

@Inferno_V

6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?

Me:

6: I like it

Me: It’s mistletoe son