me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
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Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
Well. That’s not a good sign.