ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
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Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet