ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
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Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*