Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
You Might Also Like
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
Encore…
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.