Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
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My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”