@iAmDelFreaky

Me: Here you go.

Her: WTF?

Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.

Her: I said gelatin mold!

Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*

You Might Also Like

@MarcusTheToken

Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.

@FrazzleMyGimp

ROOMBA: I pick up anything

ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30

ROOMBA: No wait-

[45 minutes later]

ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?

@gobmentcheese

When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”

@Marcmywords2

Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.

@TrueTorontoGirl

My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.

@drinkprayfuck

Him: you’re not wearing pants?

Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?

Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?

Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!

@Holy_Mowgli

ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there

@InternetHippo

[inventing dialup internet]
What should it sound like when it’s connecting?
[guy in the back stands up confidently]
Pterodactyls

@Jtweeters

If you love someone, set them free. If they return… something, something, Justin Bieber’s a lesbian.