Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
Me: Here you go.
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
You Might Also Like
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
[inventing dialup internet]
What should it sound like when it’s connecting?
[guy in the back stands up confidently]
If you love someone, set them free. If they return… something, something, Justin Bieber’s a lesbian.