my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
You Might Also Like
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Catercrombie & Fish
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
This is not me but this is me
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.