ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
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[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
My biological clock is wheezing.
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
Welcome to the stomach
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
my dog when i have a friend over
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry