“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
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Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
How long do you have to wait between naps?
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.