@UncleDuke1969

Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.

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@TheHyyyype

just saw black panther and i finally understand why so many white people are mad: it’s not even a real panther, just a guy in a panther suit

@UberFacts

Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.

@DickScurvy

Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.

@mamatomy3

Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.

@HenpeckedHal

HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.

@KielyHealey

I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives

@iinkedZombie

[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.

Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!

@DestryBrod

If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?

Taco bail.

@ThePocketJustin

Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.

@GrantTanaka

boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean