Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Wife: Be quiet.
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.

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just saw black panther and i finally understand why so many white people are mad: it’s not even a real panther, just a guy in a panther suit


Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.


Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.


Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.


HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.


I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives


[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.

Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!


If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?

Taco bail.


Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.


boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean