ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
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Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
This kid will have a bright future.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-