Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
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“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
ok hear me out: Luigiana
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.