Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
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Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
men, we mow at sunrise.
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
Snapes on a plane.
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.