The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
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ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
Salad is the decaf of food.
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
sliding into dms like
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.