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[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look


A giant lizard rebuilds Japan and the moonwalks into the sea. #ReverseAFilmPlot


Moon: Yo, Earth! Constant revolution?! Why so angry?

Earth: You just don’t understand the gravity of the situation.

Sun: Oooh… Burn!!!


Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.

*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*


coworker asked me if I needed a hug and now he doesn’t work here because people that are on fire can’t work.


Eating clocks is probably the most time consuming thing you could ever do.


[speed dating]
her: I really want to have a child some day. What about you?
me: define “child”


Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.


I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.