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@nbadag

[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look

@darksidedeb

A giant lizard rebuilds Japan and the moonwalks into the sea. #ReverseAFilmPlot

@PortRooster

Moon: Yo, Earth! Constant revolution?! Why so angry?

Earth: You just don’t understand the gravity of the situation.

Sun: Oooh… Burn!!!

@MoneypennyNaked

Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.

*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*

@web_supergirl

coworker asked me if I needed a hug and now he doesn’t work here because people that are on fire can’t work.

@ibrownied

Eating clocks is probably the most time consuming thing you could ever do.

@SortaBad

[speed dating]
her: I really want to have a child some day. What about you?
me: define “child”

@Reverend_Scott

Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.

@rocknthepurple

I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.