Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
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You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
“No way.” -Jose
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here