ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
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“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.