@FrazzleMyGimp

ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?

GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]

ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.

GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?

ME: Because I care.

You Might Also Like

@captainkalvis

Date: maybe go easy on the salt

*i stand up so i can see over my pile of salt*

Me: but what if there’s a slug in my stomach

Date: *trying* then you’d only need a little

Me: *motioning to the server to bring more salt* what if its a family of slugs

@MandiAtRandom

Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and death

Me: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.

@Book_Krazy

Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?

Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.

Hub: because they were stuck together?

Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!

@krissywillbretz

*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*

*checks for abs, finds a clown

@KentWGraham

I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.

@_Enanem_

I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.

@hippieswordfish

kid doctor: [looking over charts] im not going to lie this is the worst case of cooties ive ever seen
little girl: he said he’d been tested!

@Ideal_Victoria

*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving

@KylePlantEmoji

Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?

Advisor: let me take their temperature

Queen: ?

Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king

Queen: how do you know?

Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises