As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
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Whenever I go for a jog and it’s raining, I like to pretend that someone killed my family and I have to get strong and avenge their death.
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*moves 2 ft over, puts on tie, nods*
ME: thats correct ur honor
Blood is thicker than water but maple syrup is thicker than blood so technically pancakes are more important than family
The doctor told me I need more greens in my diet.
So I have no switched to mint Oreos.
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
[pulls meatloaf out of oven]
he’s still sweating and singing just as beautifully as ever