@FrazzleMyGimp

ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?

GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]

ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.

GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?

ME: Because I care.

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@squirrel74wkgn

As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.

@KKAlThani

Whenever I go for a jog and it’s raining, I like to pretend that someone killed my family and I have to get strong and avenge their death.

@chuuew

TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?

STUDENT: dammit I’m mad

TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else

@Brampersandon_

JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*moves 2 ft over, puts on tie, nods*
ME: thats correct ur honor

@cervixsmash

Blood is thicker than water but maple syrup is thicker than blood so technically pancakes are more important than family

@Xoolun

The doctor told me I need more greens in my diet.

So I have no switched to mint Oreos.

@LifesGoodThing

Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”

@Death_Buddy

You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.

@flashember

*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*

ATTENBOROUGH: What the-

WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID

@G_Faylor

[pulls meatloaf out of oven]

he’s still sweating and singing just as beautifully as ever