Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
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Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.