ME: hey buddy, can you go in there and buy me a pack of cigarettes?

GUY: dude, you’re like 45, why can’t you buy them yourself?

ME: because i don’t have any money

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My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.

I’m raising an evil genius.


Starting a Psychofit class. Basically, I sneak up on people showering and chase em with a knife til they achieve their desired body weight.


due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic


I’m the girl who shows up at a Halloween party where everyone is dressed as something sexy and I’m dressed as a bean bag.


This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.


Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.


20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party

40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party


“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”

-extreme home makeover


Me: *wearing a crystal chandelier*

Store Assistant: can i help you sir?

Me: how much for this disco poncho?



WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…

ME: *suddenly awake*

WIFE: …teach me calculus?

ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative