@TheHyyyype

ME: hey buddy, can you go in there and buy me a pack of cigarettes?

GUY: dude, you’re like 45, why can’t you buy them yourself?

ME: because i don’t have any money

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@pro_worrier_

My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.

I’m raising an evil genius.

@t_cuppp

Starting a Psychofit class. Basically, I sneak up on people showering and chase em with a knife til they achieve their desired body weight.

@mjkspeaks

due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic

@Phoebetate

I’m the girl who shows up at a Halloween party where everyone is dressed as something sexy and I’m dressed as a bean bag.

@MrSandeepP

This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.

@robfee

Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.

@Chhapiness

20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party

40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party

@SteveSuckington

“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”

-extreme home makeover

@sonictyrant

Me: *wearing a crystal chandelier*

Store Assistant: can i help you sir?

Me: how much for this disco poncho?

@fowlerism

[3am]

WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…

ME: *suddenly awake*

WIFE: …teach me calculus?

ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative