Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
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Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
At least try to make it slightly believable
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????