ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?

You Might Also Like


The letter Q comes up waaaaay too early in the alphabet. We’re not ready for it where it’s currently placed. It bellongs with fellow avant-garde acts, X, Y and Z, deep in after the mainstream.


We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls


Home Alone (1990, Comedy) Two burglars attempt to murder an abandoned 8-year-old child


Barista: Can I get a name?

Me: Free


Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free

*fights break out as I smile from the corner*


God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones

Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?

God: eh you’ll figure it out


My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.


1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.


Scariest things in the world:

1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes


ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.


My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.