@Mister_Veritas

ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?

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@thejodiest

I want an app that tells me when someone is thinking about me while having sex with someone else.

@BringDaNoyz

ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was

Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-

ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be

@RunwayDan

Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.

@Darlainky

*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.

@ThatRascalPuff

Teacher: Any questions

*raises hand*

T: NO DUMB ONES

“Can you see continent names from space”

T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud

@DrDogMD

NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!

DR DOG: You’re joking, right?

@nealbrennan

Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”

Service is way better.

@Parentpains

Apparently watching your lover sleep is only romantic when they know who you are.

@zacharyflynn

One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.