ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
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Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
a lot to unpack here
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
Before crowbars crows drank alone
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit