ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?

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I want an app that tells me when someone is thinking about me while having sex with someone else.


ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was

Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-

ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be


Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.


*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.


Teacher: Any questions

*raises hand*


“Can you see continent names from space”

T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud


NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!

DR DOG: You’re joking, right?


Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”

Service is way better.


Apparently watching your lover sleep is only romantic when they know who you are.


One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.