ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
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I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
Noah was an idiot.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*