me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
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1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
happy mother’s day❤️
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.