Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
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People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.