I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ???? ????????
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WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
“You never told me you were vegan!” – no one ever
Dads in the 80s: I want satellite tv so bad.
Satellite tv installer: How bad?
Dads: REALLY bad
Installer: Like “gigantic satellite bolted to a cement slab that takes over your entire yard” bad?
[me when I see a dog walking alone without a leash] exactly who is representing you my lad
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
After going to the doctor for a routine check up, Kermit the Frog finally finds out through an x-ray what’s really ailing him.
(Artwork: Joshua Kemble