@andlikelaura

me: hey cat what are you up to

cat: ???? ????????

me: what

cat: meow

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@carlyken

If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.

@iGreenGod

My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.

I should probably have stopped when I got to her name

@Donnie_Fairburn

[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]

vending machine: i have a boyfriend

@envydatropic

I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.

@AnnoGalactic

Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.

– Frank Piñata

@AtticusFinch79

[November 2030]

*at the ocean*

“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”

Kids: This fish has three heads

@ZombieProblms

Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”

But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”

Hypocrites.

@twelveyearsold

i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative

@GinAndJif

First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.