me: hey cat what are you up to

cat: ???? ????????

me: what

cat: meow

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If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.


My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.

I should probably have stopped when I got to her name


[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]

vending machine: i have a boyfriend


I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.


Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.

– Frank Piñata


[November 2030]

*at the ocean*

“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”

Kids: This fish has three heads


Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”

But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”



i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative


First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.