me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
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Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible