Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
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me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?