Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
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I just called up the phone company and put em on hold. Every 5min i come on an tell them how important their business is to me. Please hold.
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
I feel like Neil deGrasse Tyson would be the most annoying person in the world to watch Space Jam with
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
Today I played dead with my 5yo nephew. He cried for 5 seconds, then grabbed my iPhone and run away.
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED