I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
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Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.