me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
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The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
oh you wanna fight?!
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️