alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
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Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
It’s fun to stay at the!
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
Now that it’s abandoned nudes, I hope Playboy goes with its other major brand identity and becomes a magazine about a very fancy rabbit.
I invented a game where people get so stoned they can barely walk & chase each other around the yard.
It’s called…wait for it: Hash Tag.
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
next pandemic is it okay if we do science right off the bat
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*