me: hey dad will you pass the turkey

dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son

You Might Also Like


Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.


*professes my undying love to my microwave*

*microwave sets itself on fire*


HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.

ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end

HER: wtf?


I want to be a host at a restaurant so if someone asks for a booth I can yell, “YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!”


me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”


This woman at work sounds just like me. I’m going to pay her to call my Mom and occasionally say mmhmm and how nice.


Do you know why the Little Mermaid wears seashells? Because A and B shells were too small


I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.