@TheHatStore

me: hey dad will you pass the turkey

dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son

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@MattBellassai

alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon

@kimlockhartga

Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?

Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.

@omgshuddup

I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again

@timcarvell

Now that it’s abandoned nudes, I hope Playboy goes with its other major brand identity and becomes a magazine about a very fancy rabbit.

@Tierno158

I invented a game where people get so stoned they can barely walk & chase each other around the yard.

It’s called…wait for it: Hash Tag.

@cortronic

It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.

@CatherineLMK

Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.

@EmoPhilips

next pandemic is it okay if we do science right off the bat

@ThatLibrary

So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*

Nothing happens