@TheHatStore

me: hey dad will you pass the turkey

dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son

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@krishna_van

Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.

@Ideal_Victoria

*professes my undying love to my microwave*

*microwave sets itself on fire*

@subtweetopath

HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.

ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end

HER: wtf?

@shadygeekdad

I want to be a host at a restaurant so if someone asks for a booth I can yell, “YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!”

@KeetPotato

me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”

@onelongbender

This woman at work sounds just like me. I’m going to pay her to call my Mom and occasionally say mmhmm and how nice.

@omgthatspunny

Do you know why the Little Mermaid wears seashells? Because A and B shells were too small

@SufficientCharm

I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.