@PhuckinCody

ME: hey did u get my letter?

HER: No

ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now

HER: You mean carrier pigeon?

ME: lol what

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@dafloydsta

INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?

ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.

@ThRealBallsDeep

I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.

@Cheeseboy22

If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.

@TheTweetOfGod

I care more about the outcome of sporting events than any other aspect of human existence.

@ShutUpThatsWho

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘mnemonic’

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity

@ValeeGrrl

*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*

@delusions_of

Penguins mate for life but also have the highest rate of alcoholism.

@iinkedZombie

Old friend: I barely recognize you.

“That’s the look I was going for. “

@MissHavisham

My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.