ME: hey did u get my letter?


ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now

HER: You mean carrier pigeon?

ME: lol what

You Might Also Like


INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?

ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.


I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.


If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.


I care more about the outcome of sporting events than any other aspect of human existence.


[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘mnemonic’

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity


*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*


Penguins mate for life but also have the highest rate of alcoholism.


Old friend: I barely recognize you.

“That’s the look I was going for. “


My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.