ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
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I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”